The Search For Love

I often see posts on social media from people of varying ages expressing their struggle to find love, specifically romantic love. It’s normal to want to be in a relationship for most people, whether it’s friendships or a life partner. The desire to love and be loved is an integral part of being human. Many people, however, find love elusive and wonder if they will ever meet the “one.”

Finding both platonic and romantic love begins with the person in the mirror. If we cannot love ourselves, how can we love someone else? An empty vessel has nothing to offer to others. Being in a relationship isn’t some magic potion that guarantees happiness, nor does it guarantee we will never feel lonely. Some of us have spent a large portion of our lives alone, but that doesn’t mean we are lonely. We receive as much love as we give; however, that love doesn’t always come in the form of a romantic relationship. Love, for people of faith, begins with God and flows through us and to others.

I was partnered for 17 years, and the latter half of that time was a depressing and lonely period. I began to doubt my own self-worth during that time, and it had a negative effect on my other relationships, my emotional well-being, and my ability to feel whole. Now that I’ve been single for the past eight or so years, I have found peace and a deep contentment I never really experienced in my relationship. True wholeness doesn’t come from another person, but rather from the deep spiritual work we do within ourselves and the love we extend to others. While being in a relationship can bring fulfillment, my sense of worth and identity is not bound to whether or not I meet 'the one.' I rest assured in the knowledge that God’s love defines me, not my relationship status.

The idea of love is often idealized and romanticized. Rom-coms, romance novels, romantic songs, and even our friends and family give us an unrealistic picture of romantic love, often telling us we cannot be happy and whole unless we are partnered with another person. Elizabeth Taylor, Hollywood’s iconic symbol of romance, liked being married, which explains her getting hitched eight times to seven different men. She once famously quipped, “I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too — for being married so many times.” Taylor, like so many people, never seemed to find the “right” one, although she didn’t easily give up in her quest. It’s wishful thinking to believe there’s someone for everyone. The fact is, many of us may never find a life partner, and that is not something to be feared but embraced.

Spiritual wholeness and maturity is a life-long quest, and it takes precedence over everything else in our lives. Without it, we will struggle to experience that love which calms our anxieties, brings inner peace and wholeness, and connects us with God and those around. In an era when more people claim that they feel alone and isolated, it is so important to understand that being alone is not synonymous with being lonely. As I enter my 60s as a single man, I have learned to embrace, and even cherish, a solitary life living in a rural desert community. After years of feeling disconnected and alone, I realize that I am not alone at all, but that God is with me. As I learn to walk in the knowledge of God’s love for me, and I learn to love myself as I love my neighbor, I am content and at peace. Nothing is greater than that feeling.